Faulty Dimmer Switch, Badly Padded Seat, Laziness

I have just spent lots of money on some laminated chipboard cupboards, a bunch of ceramic tiles and some sort of modernistic very high density everything proof worktop. I ought to be happy but I’m not.

The new kitchen is dragging me down. Holding me back. It’s not letting me be the person I want to be neither is it magically turning me into the person I know I can be.

The remaining 22 payments to a well known DIY retailer (let’s call them “Twickes”) are not really the issue. The issue, I think, is consumerism.

I have two major pet hates when it comes to consuming stuff. Multi Storey car parks and DIY stores. There should be laws. When I am finally elected Supreme Galactic Leader (it’s only a matter of time, I tell you) I will sign two executive orders immediately. I know what you’re thinking but my first act won’t be to build a wall in order to keep sombreros, chilli and tequila out of my country (why would you?!)

My first executive order WILL be to enforce CLEAR, SIMPLE and EASY TO FOLLOW directions so that I can get both in and out of a Multi-Storey car park. In addition, it will be a beheadable offence to offer anything other than free parking. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not destitute. Not quite “affluent” but certainly not destitute. But we are in a car park for a reason. To consume. To buy stuff. To add to the local economy*.

My second executive order will be to provide free counselling, on site, at any DIY store for anyone entering (especially couples) on a Sunday or Bank Holiday. Or, perhaps, to invoke a “shoot to kill” policy. No DIY shopping on Sundays or Bank Holidays, period.

My reasons? We are blessed in this country. We get weekends off and even some freebie bank holiday days thrown in. We really shouldn’t be using them to go shopping. We should be at home, or at someone elses home, with friends and family. In the company of those we love. We should not, under any circumstances, sit in a traffic jam for a 45 minutes, to then drive aimlessly around a badly marked out car park looking for a parking space, to then walk around a warehouse store like The Walking Dead with an extra dose of self-loathing.

You see, I have a problem now that I’ve had the kitchen sorted out. I’ve got this “bug” that is makes me want to turn the rest of my house into something better (i.e. kick ass). Fortunately, my innate laziness and unwillingness to cave and become a DIY enthusiast has saved the day.

There are things I probably should do. As I am writing again (albeit disjointedly, but this is just for practise) I need good lighting and a comfy chair. As I sit and write this, with spots in my eyes and carbuncles on my rear end, I realise I have neither. I should have left the kitchen alone and bought some decent dining furniture perhaps including a comfy office chair and a new dimmer switch.

This begs the question. Is there an innate human need for better “stuff”? Once we get a sniff of something good, does our natural competitive nature take over and drive us to want more and more and more? If so, we need to curb this impulse and be more lazy. A lot more lazy.



*I have a GCSE in Economics. I have been told that this makes me more qualified to be Chancellor of the Exchequer than George Osborne was.

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